Life is all about choices. Choosing to enter an air guitar competition for some, choosing to buy a ticket for others. For Adam Liptak, New York Times' senior reporter and celebrity judge, Friday's choices were far more difficult.

In a performance every bit as impressive as his New York showing, FENDER SPLENDOR (Paul Alexander) added a mixture of arts, crafts, and classical choreography to his routine by smashing his way out of a giant amplifier delivered to the stage by air roadies. Like his comrade JURIS ROCKTOR (Mike Sacks), SPLENDOR missed the second round by two-tenths of a point. SHREDDY BOOP (Athena Kopsidas), the evening's only female contender, advanced to the second round with JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY (Michael Shearer), MIT ÜMLAUT (Tom Corsillo), and TOMMY FRETLESS (Adam Lee).

Mr. Liptak and his judging partners, Capt. Andrea Baker (Ret.) and HOT LIXX HULAHAN, faced the hardest choice of their lives during these later rounds. SANJAR THE DESTROYER (Chris Paxton) and THE SHRED (Lance Kasten) blew the competition out of the water. Captain Baker's face melted into her lap, ate her out, reattached itself to her head, then melted once more. "You almost brought me to orgasm," commented the former Army Surveillance Officer and current intelligence consultant to the Obama administration. About SANJAR THE DESTROYER'S deeply penetrating performance Hot Lixx quipped, "STD's in the house, and we all just caught it."

The judges tallied their scores and locked SANJAR and SHRED into a tie, creating the first air off since last season.

But the shit really hit the fan when the two performers tied the air off in addition to their second round stalemate.

All those people who chose to buy a ticket to an air guitar show – maybe as a gag, maybe on a dare, maybe because they just get it – whatever their reason, every single person lost their minds when the deadlock was announced. Sheer Bedlam. I kept thinking they were going to riot, kick through the walls, or maybe implode. Think about what a proud American Eagle hears right before it gets reduced to fiery pocket fuzz inside a jet engine. Then jackhammer that thought.

According to multinational protocol, the second compulsory air-off song was sitting on an encrypted drive inside a safe requiring both USAG co-commissioners (Cedric Devitt and Kriston Rucker) to unlock, who were fortuitously on site. The track was a Boston edit, which SHRED considers modern rock and SANJAR thinks is chamber music, but they both nailed it. SANJAR Ralph Macchio went first, blindfolding himself as he walked onto the stage, then proceeded to shred sightlessly for half his act. His dual-handed technique and massive head banging tore thunder from the crowd. SHRED, who broke both ankles last year leaping off a speaker tower, played with metronomean timing and hit every single note perfectly. And, despite his doctor's orders – who was present and pulled onstage by host BJÖRN TÜROQUE — THE SHRED did jump off some shit, right before incorporating SANJAR'S moves into his routine by donning an air-blindfold.

Liptak and team were stymied. Both air-off performances were epic, and undoubtedly perfect: 6-6-6.

The crowd, an hour after last call, refuses to leave until a decision is made.

World Air Guitar, the Finns who founded this whole thing, outfit all sanctioned national competitions with a Scandinavian Applause Meter (SAM) and a monolingual Finnish engineer to operate it. Like the rest of us, he is now legally deaf. 600 people screaming, "Shred! Shred! Shred!" And the other 600, "STD! STD! STD!" Gus, who is 9:30's best soundman and a diehard SHRED fan threatened to dismember his LD for siding with the SANJAR camp. Catfights erupted between groups of old pals, dudes who fight just like me. Crews from NBC and the Washington Post huddled together for safety and prayed for Liptak's well-being.

Screaming into his mike over the crowd's roar of guitarzanian proportion, the Times reporter delivered the only judgement he could. With the pomp and regality of the gay bashing Supreme Court itself, Liptak concluded, "The start, the finish . . . all of it: rock solid and scary."

USAG co-commissioner Kriston Rucker stepped in and ruled that according to international bylaws, the SAM apparatus itself serves as an official round of performing, making an additional performance completely out of the question. We also feared that since all 1200 attendees had already flung their bras, panties, and manties on stage, that soon severed dicks and tits might follow. Ergo, both SHRED and SANJAR will be representing DC in the nationals this year. In a press conference of top USAG talent and corporate brass, it was announced on Friday that the 9:30 club will host the championships this August.

Capt. Baker has agreed to slip a USAG blurb into President Obama's Monday morning press briefing. Sounds intelligent to me. –West Hays, ATC