Wednesday night air guitar talent kicked itself in the junk then asked for more. It then removed its protective cup, drank from the cup, then tossed said cup into the Seattle crowd.

Hot Lixx's hair curled up, straightened itself out, then got curly again. Turtles fucked, faces got eaten by AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL'S (Mr. West Hays of Berkeley, CA) lice, and DREAMCATCHER got high.

 

Seattle kicked ass.

There were more skilled wildcards in Seattle than any place we've seen so far, and the tour's nearly over (purchase your SF tickets now, we're closing in on a sell out). Wildcards GANDHI JONES, METAL WILL, and HARD CASTLE were all next in line to advance to the compulsory round, but fell short by just a few tenths of a point. CHESTER SWOLLENGORD (Casey Desmond) returned for the second year and asked questions this language is unfit to answer. All you guys have to come back next year.  Interestingly, wildcard LISA G. was at a DUI hearing moments before the show, and attributed her acquittal to US Air Guitar.  "I told the judge I needed to get out of it in order to compete.  The judge laughed then threw out my case."

Hot Lixx, Björn, and near-convict LISA G.

DIRK COURAGE (Derek Beck) advanced to the second round with a patriotic Hacksaw Jim Duggan "USA! USA!" warm-up thing. COURAGE'S vaguely twin brother and anonymous donor of three extra large pies from Pagliacci Pizza, AIR GUITAR X (Jason L. Cheung), was trailing right behind him in third place. Bringing up the rear in round two were SKINNY HENDRIX (wildcard) and S.T. COZIN. In the lead by two tenths of a point was the resurrected MAGIC CYCLOPS (Scott Fuller).

SKINNY HENDRIX'S sinewy physique complimented COURAGE and AIR GUITAR X's moon-like reflection with poetic aplomb, but in the end SKINNY finished in 3rdish place.

MAGIC CYCLOPS, who has been performing as SCOTTY RAMONE all season (Denver, Fort Collins, Portland, etc.), returned to his 2008 Regional Champion roots when he pantsed a capacity Denver crowd and revealed they had all soiled themselves. He did some crazy upside-down jungle gym stuff in last night's compulsory round, which launched him into a third round air-off with the courageous DIRK COURAGE. In the air-off, COURAGE received "six tons of respect" and a perfect 6.0 from Björn Türoque, after the heavyset performer was almost successfully delivered via piggyback through the crowd and to the judges' bench. To one-up his husky opponent, MAGIC CYCLOPS jumped directly onto his knees from all sorts of tables and stages and stools. His knee pads had fallen down to his ankles after the first leap, and I soiled myself in surprise when he was still able to stand as the judges delivered their scores. Then he drank water from his plus-size cup and shared it with the audience. This prompted two 6.0's followed by a 5.9 from the Seattlest's Kim Prohaska, sending DIRK COURAGE to the nationals in DC this August.

More pictures on the way as soon as our 9600 baud FAX/Modem connects to the BBS through ZTERM. In the meantime watch the last five second of this clip on repeat for the rest of your life:Written by Mr. West Hays of Berkeley, CA.