Tiger Claw sears an image of himself into his tank top.  All photos by Alayna Johnson.

Can we please stop with the sad "is it really over, man?" e-mails? Because the answer is "no, man, shit, no, man. I believe you get your ass kicked for sayin' something like that." There's still DC! There's still Finland with tag-team US representation! This still maybe this other thing I hope!

Seriously, no more tears. Just like Bettie learned right after she won Williamsburg but lost her toe, we warned you all a long time ago: don't get involved with me, you'll only get hurt. Besides, I already did the sad thing last year, with a photo looking out of our bus' cockpit that was captioned "If my face had windshield wipers these tears wouldn't be so sad."

Tangentially, how about that second night in San Francisco? USAG sold out the Independent, and no man present was safe from celebrity judge Jello Biafra's (Dead Kennedys) awkward sexual advances. Even though his wife was right there beside him, the theme was "show me your cock," one night after for our all-nude male revue at the Independent.

AL CATRAZ (Alayna Johnson) thoroughly ungayed Jello's Pride Weekend extravaganza. She rocked a Debbi Peterson/Bangles look, and chose a Joan Jett track that earned her a leggy sixth place finish, falling just short of the second round. Courtesy of Boone's Farm, AL COHOL also performed (in my belly). GOBO (Todd Nakagawa) blessed us both nights with his punk rock ballet, but was also left behind in the first round. TIGER CLAW (Christian name not on file because he "doesn't believe in credit cards" and is probably "on the lam") inspired the little crippled boy (me) in the sound booth to achieve his goals regardless of the circumstances. And LOST HEARTBREAKER (Rob Nechanicky) found himself; despite having entered several competitions in the midwest and California, he made it to the compulsory round for the first time this season.

Jello was not a fan favorite, especially after he lowballed SHRED NUGENT (Kurt Brown) and RICKY STINKFINGERS (Alex Forbes) out of the second round. Hot Lixx (2008 World AG champ) and the founder of Rooftop Comedy and celebrity judge Greg Something fashioned makeshift ponchos out of large black garbage bags provided by the helpful Independent staff. This did not stop the crowd from airing their their grievances by air-mailing cups of beer at their heads.

Shred Nugent takes Jello's 5.3 with a smile, while Björn is disguised as Hot Lixx because Hot Lixx is supposed to be judging tonight.

And the sound was excellent Saturday night, thanks to a very helpful soundman. But why the hell did he keep slobbering bad puns into the talkback mic?

BEARDO WEIRDO (Robert Collins) had an excellent second-round act, but got screwed by Jello's shitty math. Speaking of bad math, I got yelled at for accidentally doubling each of the second round contestants' scores, although it didn't affect the game. The top 5 guys got promoted (which is done in one spreadsheet), then those guys' first round scores are combined with their compulsory round scores (in a second spreadsheet). Since all compulsory calculations were doubled across the board in that second spreadsheet everyone remained in the same position relative to everyone else. You big cry babies.

TONY DILEMMA (Justin Hypes) made it to the compulsory round two nights in a row, but Sturday night it was THE CRUSHER (John Healy) and COLD STEEL RENEGADE (Matthew Feldstein) going toe-to-toe in the.  COLD STEEL took it in the end. It was a nice victory to witness, although to be honest I was a little worried about him. COLD STEEL, who looks like 2008's JOSEPH OF AIR-IMETHEA'S kid sister, came off as so nerdy I feared the other nerds backstage might snap off a few wedgies at his expense. My fears were unfounded and my heart soared like eagle when RICKY STINK and another contestant hoisted COLD STEEL onto their shoulders in a salute to the new Bay Bridge Champion.

Their compulsory song was a DEAD KENNEDYS edit Björn competed to back when Ozzy wore shortpants. He shared this tidbit with the capacity crowd, before shredding his air-homage to Jello Biafra and his Dead Kennedys days. Had Björn been an official entrant, Jello probably would have given him a 4.8 like he did everyone else. But for the crowd, the other competitors, and the little crippled boy pushing the spacebar in sound booth, it was a perfect 6.

Did I mention we've still got DC? Strange is in the air, America. Believe in it.

Old people love to vote.