DC: Tommy Fretless Makes Us Weep

 
Fuck that shit, I’m taking credit for this one.  Photo credit: ATC (West Hays). 

TOMMY FRETLESS (Adam Lee) conquered Saturday night’s DC show at the 9:30 Club in his first regional victory since he started back in 2008.  He has progressed thusly:

2008 Pittsburgh: 8th
2009 Brooklyn: 3rd
2009 DC: 3rd
2010 Dark Horse Invitational: 4th
2011: Champion

Champion TOMMY FRETLESS (Adam Lee, red shorts and topless) gets hoisted into the air by fellow performers.

Godless liberal and the ACLU’s chief federal shit disturber, Ben Wizner, New York Times chief Supreme Court Correspondent Adam Liptak, and 2008 Air Guitar World Champion HOT LIXX HULAHAN (Craig Billmeier) also sent the following performers into round two:

2 Del-Kun Chen “G. Tso Money
3 Doug Stroock “Doug the Thunder Struck”
4 -tie- Tom Corsillo “Mitt Umlaut”
4 -tie- Lance Kasten “The Shred”
5 -tie- Michael Shearer “Airmageddon”
6 -tie- Athena Kopsidas “Shreddy Boop”

Wizner and Liptak have been collaborating on stories for years, yet had never found an an issue important enough to warrant an in-person meeting.  That is, until US Air Guitar invited them both to put their heads together and bang out DC’s finest performer.

As the judges gleaned from a close review of the Historical Documents, competitor G. TSO MONEY has been a regular on the air guitar circuit for a couple years now, where he routinely misses three minor criteria for becoming champion.  These include: technical ability, stage presence, and airness.  However, he was never lacking drive or effort, often arriving at a venue earlier than our crew with posters that looked twice as good as our own.  Toward the end of last season the first pinhole cracks of airness began to escape, as when the soul separates from the body.  Last night, he was nothing less than poetry shredding across the stage.  Furious Asian poetry.

Newcomer DOUG THE THUNDERSTRUCK surprised everyone in the room by finishing third in a completion of two dozen if the finest performers in the greater metro DC area.  His first round act had every member of a packed house yelling “DEATH” / “TO ALL” / “BUT(T)” / METAL!” Ben Wizner, who last night never met a wine cooler he didn’t shotgun, gave him a near perfect 5.9 in both rounds.

Mitt Umlaüt, a second round staple in these parts and second place blog reader after Hot Lixx’s mom (thanks, Janis!), finished in the second round last night then read this in the blog: he’s signed up in NYC and Brooklyn, where some pundits predict it will come down to him, SHREDDY FUCKING MERCURY (Seth Leibowitz), RICKY STINKFINGERS (Alex Forbes), MICKEY O. (Michael Orosz), WINDHAMMER (Rob Weychert), and G. TSO MONEY.  (I’ve got Mikey O. taking it all in a third round air off.)

In between rounds air band CATEGORY SIXX (William Ocean [Andrew Litz], Shreddy Mercury [Seth Leibowitz]) and friends (Fender Splendor [Paul Alexander], Juris Rocktor [Mike Sacks]) pulled off what may go down as the most inclusive, inspiring, and eclectic long form group air performances in the history of the sport.  Words can’t do it justice, just watch the video and make sure you use an anti-static wipe to peel your melted face off the keyboard.

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