2014 Kansas City US Air Guitar Qualifier promises to create more babies
The following is a guest blog by 2013 Air Guitar World Champion Mean Melin, who will be hosting the 2014 Kansas City Qualifier Friday May 16 at the Recordbar:
Last year in Kansas City, after an incredible US Air Guitar Qualifier that saw the holiest of holies Air Jesus squeak out a victory over slinky he/she Thunderball (Nielsen Nacis), the 2nd place finisher returned to the home he shares with his wife, Sonic Bitch (Rachelle Landreth).
She didn't do too badly either, it turns out, placing 5th overall in a night full of amazing performances and raised libidos.
Her great showing wasn't through any help from her husband, though. Thunderball and the Bitch were tied going into the second round. When a random number pick determined who could choose to go first or make the other go instead (not an enviable position), the winner turned to his wife and said, "Ladies first!" Ouch.
Somehow the discord strengthened them, and Thunderball and Sonic Bitch ended up sharing more than a bed that very night. It was announced just before the couple traveled to Los Angeles for the 2013 Dark Horse competition that Sonic Bitch was indeed having a US Air Guitar baby.
Kit is now 10 weeks old, and his mommy and daddy are signed up once again to compete against each other, trying to activate their Wonder Twin powers to dethrone the Savior of Kansas City air guitar Friday May 16 at the Recordbar!
But love is in the air all over Kansas City. Three years ago at the 2011 Kansas City US Air Guitar Championships, which were held in what is now an International House of Prayer (even Air Jesus is scared of those creeps), it was love at first sight for two other KC air guitar competitors.
2011 was the first US Air Guitar experience for CindAIRella (Beth Olson, last year's St. Louis champ, formerly Crystal Richter) and Iron Dragon (Justin Fox, formerly Johnny B. Fanfuckingtastic), but it was a life-changer. The happy couple bonded while 2010 US Air Guitar champ Romeo DanceCheetah (Matt Cornelison) performed a halftime sexy mating ritual onstage with an unsuspecting crowd member, and they've been an item ever since.
Here's what else you need to know about the 2014 Kansas City US Air Guitar Qualifier:
- Two-time National Finalist Peter "Stiff" Dickens (Peter Dickens) and 2013 Des Moines champ The CorpAIRation (Brian Reeves) will re-ignite a rivalry so intense that it was quelled in the off-season only by the unexpected appearance of freshly printed stacks of Jeffersons from an unidentified source.
- Pork Sword (Cameron Hawk) and Glory Wholesome (Whitney Young) didn't wait until the last minute to sign up, but Eddie Hans Flailin' (Travis Arey) did.
- The Stack Attack (Amy Stack) and Stackhammer (Mike Stack) are NOT in the above category of romantic partners and are, in fact, brothair and sistair.
- Dapper Dan (Steven Fuller) and Freddy Fingers (Kirby Minor) were first-timers last year but are out for blood in 2014, yo.
- If you bring your kids, make sure they don't leave with BOB (Nathan Victor).
Oh yeah. Sorry for burying the lead. In case you don't live in Kansas City or can't make it, we are livestreaming the whole damn thing on the web! (Tweet a great big thank you to @CurtMcMillanKC and let him know how excited you are for some live US Air Guitar video.)
See you next Friday, airheads.
All badass photos by the Pat Paulsen, badass flyer by Rachel Myers.