USAG Correctly Predicts 2 Dark Horse Winners in Finland, Internet Cries Foul

OpRockDarkHorsePhoto by Juuso Haarala/Air Guitar World Championships

 

OULU, FINLAND – In a blatantly corrupt Dark Horse competition hosted some 4,000 miles from US Air Guitar's corporate headquarters – organized by a company that doesn't speak our language and is technically our boss – two of the three U.S. competitors who advanced to the World Stage tonight were earlier in the day predicted to win in this very blog.

 

Here's a livetweet of today's aforementioned timeline of corruption:

 

Now: At 12:00 p.m. EDT someone at USAG Corporate woke up and typed this:

 

Snarky parentheticals be damned!
 

 

Now: At 7:50 p.m. EDT Air Guitar World Championships announced this:

 

Commas aren't decimals!
 

Needless to say, the interspheres are going bananapants.

 

All mid-level corruption and nervous joking aside, there were 9 (nine!) U.S. competitors tonight on that tiny stage at Oulu's .45 Special, which tipped the law of averages in a direction of shit, which in fact flushes counter-clockwise here in the northernmost tip of the hemisphere: so while thousands of U.S. fans at home have never been more proud to produce such a brilliant group of performers, the international community here in Finland was likely overwhelmed by such a dominating show of U.S. exceptionalism. ("USA! USA! USA!")

 

But before you feel too bad about the seven U.S. competitors who won't perform on the world stage, remember this: while only three of the United States' very best performers advanced – namely, OPERATION ROCK-A-PUSSY (Michael Lovely),AIRTISTE (Jeffrey Stiles), and CindAirella (Beth Melin) – all those other U.S. champs will spend the next week having the time of their lives, in a country where the sun doesn't set, in a city that treats them like the rock stars they are.

 

The city is called Oulu, and for each of tonight's ten champions there waits either a spouse or perfect stranger, hoping to split a licorice cocktail before and a cigarette after.

 

What happens between? That stays in Oulu.

 

 

2015 AGWC Dark Horse Qualifier Scores
 

1. Michael “Operation Rock a Pussy” Lovely (US) 17.5 2. Jeffrey “The Airtiste” Stiles (US) 17.4 2. Kereel “Your Daddy” Blumenkrants (RU) 17.4 4. Beth “CindAirella” Melin (US) 17.3 5. Patrick “Ehrwolf” Culek (DE) 17.2 5. Tom “The Sweaty Fury” Trevisan (IT) 17.2 7. Zac “The Magnet” Monro (UK) 17.1 (Because we love this guy) 8. Eero “Oulun oma poika” Ojala (FI) 16.9 8. Thom “w!ld th!ng” Wilding (UK) 16.9 (We also love this guy)

10. Joel “Soul L” Holma (FI) 16.8 10. Jan “Geeky Gisbert” Fischer (DE) 16.8. 12. Jason “Lt. Facemelter” Farnan (US) 16.7. 12. Daniel “Moredrive” Oldemeier (DE) 16.7 14. Mitsuaki “Inogami Koushou” Inoue (JP) 16.5 15. Tom “Sgt. Wrecker” Hill (AU) 16.4 16. Robert “The Marquis” Messel (US) 16.3 17. Mathias “Numatic” Mertens (DE) 16.1 17. Justin “Iron Dragon” Fox (US) 16.1 19. Philipp “Initial D” Dobuzhinskiy (RU) 16.0 19. Kara “Kara Picante” Muir (US) 16.0 21. Del-Kun Dave “G. Tso Money” Chen (TW) 15.9 21. Guy “The Bandit” Thompson (UK) 15.9. 23. Troy “Random Air Guitar Man” Barrett (AU) 15.8 24. Charles “Facemolester” Muir (US) 15.6 25. Howard Lo (TW) 15.5 26. Valya “Electric Butterfly” Urm (RU) 15.3 27. Marie “Chuck Airy” Von Borstel (DE) 15.2 27. Merlin “Airlectic Shock” Schumacher (DE) 15.2 29. Fred “French Kiss” Reau (FR) 15.1 30. Sonya “Salmiakki Tears” Goria (RU) 15.0

admin