Houston Get Van Dammaged! Thrillie Gets Thrashed!
On June 1st, the US Air Guitar Championships came to Houston and left anarchy in its wake as it invaded the BFE Rock Club! It was standing room only inside the mid-sized rock-a-torium and everyone was waiting with bated breath to see who would be crowned Houston best air guitarist.
The evening was hosted by the consummate professional El Airiachi. It was sponsored by Keel Vodka and Tiger Claw Lefever, both of which helped this year’s Houston show become a rousing success.
There were a lot of newcomers this year like Wild Child Roz, Spaceman Riff and Xena the MF Warrior Princess. They showed up to rock the packed crowd with some of Houston’s finest air shredders including past champions Metal ShAIRiff, and that super sexy and obviously uber talented Dad Bod Jovi rocking what would be his last appearance in the competition (God Speed DBJ).
To round out the field the great Squirrel Sensation, the incredibly talented Gimp Daddy who repped his hometown. Then came the Austin squad consisting of Uncle Hot Dog, His Airness and Eddie van Bauer.
This wouldn’t be a real air guitar show without a bit of a twist—and for you Houston, we saw that twist take the form of two travelers. Those strangers—Stonehenge from Ohio and Van Dammage from Georgia—arrived in the Space City with dreams of taking the title out of Texas.
The show started off with a bang. Right out of the gate was newcomer, Wild Chid Roz. She came in guns ablazing and didn’t look back. In my opinion, if she hadn’t gone first she would’ve easily made it into Round Two and hope to see her next year. She’ll be a force to be reckoned with.
This is where is starts to get a little hazy—big thanks to our sponsor Keel Vodka for giving out free drink tickets. I’ll try to get through the rest of the field, but just know I was sauced.
Anyway, I remember Xena the Warrior Princess coming out of nowhere with full battle damage. I wish she had a better song but being that it was her first time I can’t wait to see what she brings next year.
That’s my Xena warrior call.
Squirrel Sensation got up and destroyed it, as she does every year. Then Uncle Hot dog cut a promo calling out Eddie Van Bauer and challenged him to a mask vs. wig air-off in Austin which I was all in for.
We cruised through the night until it was Van Dammage’s turn. He rocked his signature suit tossing flowers and kisses into the crowd while sprinkling sexiness over all of the starry-eyed guests.
He then proceeded to throw down to Ring of Fire and it brought the house down! He scored sixes from the judges including the legend, Tiger Claw.
Dad Bod Jovi was fat and misread the audience. Apparently, a metal club doesn’t like to sing along with Wanted Dead or Alive.
His Airness was up next and started a routine that would go on to be one of the most unique and somewhat apathetic sets I’ve ever seen. It was like a Peter Stiff Dickens set mixed with a little Dreamcatcher (when he hears Mötley Crüe is the second round song.)
After one round, the Top 5 were on-deck and included Spaceman Riff (who was way too sexy for the competition. Look handsome guys...this sport is for the ugo’s! I’m kidding, but he was dreamy) Stonehenge, Gimp daddy, Metal ShAIRiff and Van Dammage.
I have no idea what song they played because I was over-served by this point in the evening. I do know Van Dammage scored pretty much a perfect score leaving no doubt who the Houston champ was.
There can only be one Best in Texas—and as the Best Air Guitarist in Austin—I, Thrillie Nelson, will be looking to settle a score with Van Dammage in Nashville.
Written by Brock McRock, SlashSquatch, Thrustin Beaver, Matthew MacconaugHerHeyHey, Dad Bod Jovi, Anthony Sccaramuchi Sccaramuchi Will You Do the Fandango?, 2019 Austin Air Guitar Champion Thrillie Nelson