Air Bear speaks out about performance art, Houston #usairguitar Qualifier
This guest post is from Air Bear (Jacob Calle), organizer of the 2013 Houston US Air Guitar Qualifier, being held this Friday June 28:
When I was asked to write a blog I decided to ditch the typewriter and grab a videocam recorder instead. After all, there is a reasonwhy Hollywood turns books into movies. So after a month of searching for someone to film Air Bear I gave up for no one wanted to be responsible for me going to jail or getting hurt. If you haven't noticed, Air Bear lives pretty dangerously. I could tell you what Air Bear was going to do, but it'd be moot. Okay, he was going to dive off a 3rd story rooftop into a shallow swimming pool and ollie a skateboard off of a cop car -- and most likely eat shit because he hasn't been on a skateboard since Volcom was in fashion.
So no video of Air Bear's antics, so here I am Jacob Calle as Jacob Calle, not as Air Bear. Luckily for you all, Air Bear only comes out of his cave a few times a year. Some may say he is quite the destruction, but for you guys in Party 101 take notes because Air Bear is on a higher level of partying. He channels his vibes through Andrew W.K.'s hedonistic approach to living the party life. This is often seen while he is on tour with an electronic band from Houston. He's been punched in the face giving me the bloody nose (Charlotte, VA), knocked down expensive framed artwork off of a wall at a gallery due to stirring up the audience (Pomona, CA), caused me to be in crutches during my vacation (NYC), and the usual "Don't touch me!" coming from the guy in the front row. Hey, you know where Air Bear is placing his land mines. If you don't like it, don't step on them and head for cover. That's like going to a G.G. Allin concert and not expecting to get shit thrown at you. You're just asking for it pal.
There is a thick line between Air Bear and myself. While Air Bear can be closely compared to a giant tsunami rolled up in a Black Friday riot at Walmart. I am pretty calm and well kept. I study zoology and love to paint and film for television shows. Unlike Christopher Fuller, who is trapped in the matrix with Magic Cyclops. Dude can't tell the difference between reality and role play. It's like a sick twisted shitty spin off of Groundhog's Day and Chris can't escape it. And that is EXACTLY why I love hanging out with him. The dude is like Andy Kaufman on crack. At that, please don't come to me about Air Bear's antics. He is his own entity, but I will apologize in advance for his shenanigans.
As of now, Air Bear has two air guitar appearances this year. One being the Houston US Air Guitar Qualifier at Avant Garden on June 28 and the US Air Guitar National Finals in Los Angeles on August 17. I can not speak for Air Bear, but I can argue that he is one of the most energetic and greatest sports mascot that I have ever witnessed. Aside from air guitar, it's a performance art of its own. But like I said, luckily we only have to witness it a few times a year. He gets a little out of hand at times.
Air guitar is not just pretending to be playing the guitar. It's a choreographed dance with guitar movements within. In a way, we are unconventional dancers and part time comedians and I'm perfectly okay with that, because I used to be associated with Sexy Attack. We were a group of 20 and we would do eurotic dance flash mobs in inappropriate places. At that, air guitaring hasn't fallen too far from my own tree. You should never let anyone mock air guitar because they play a real guitar. It's just another creative outlet and it has become very successful. If air guitar is ridiculous than so is ballerina, river dancing, and log rolling.
Nordic Thunder gets to travel the world and is now painting the town in Dr. Pepper, some of you have been published in a book called "Air Guitar Heroes" while others have opened up for The Eels and others have been on late-night talk shows and prime-time television programs such as America's Got Talent and American Idol. Bjorn has a published memoir and as for myself, I am now developing a nice relationship with Macbeth Shoes due to my performance art.
As silly as is may sound, but air guitar has made the world less angry. It's being happy. It's another extension of self expression and creating your own path to who you are. Do not try to become anything. Do not make yourself into anything. Grasp at nothing. Resist nothing. Be you and only you. I had a talk with Air Bear and he told me that when he was in anger management where he met Adam Sandler. By the way, they are now the best of strangers. Adam told him something that I am now going to share with you. For every minute that you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. So if you are ever angry with a balled up fist, just lift those two fingers up and make a peace sign and remind yourself of a wonderful Buzzcocks song, "Everybody's Happy Nowadays." Be mindful of your lifestyle. Every bite you eat, eat. Every word you speak, speak and every breath you breathe, just breathe. To say the least, Air Bear is one happy bear and can't wait to see all of you this summer.
Air guitar is a positive lifestyle that is a school of thought that argues that pleasure is the only intrinsic good. An air guitarist strives to maximize complete fucking net pleasure! It's also the idea that every person's party should far surpass their amount of pain of what they are going through at the time being whether it be heart break, death, school, or money. We are here on this planet for one reason, to party and to have fun! So just remember, do not let anyone tell you that air guitar is nothing. Because it's the opposite. It's absolutely everything!
PS. I know this song has nothing to do with air guitar, but has everything to do with how I am feeling about all of you at this moment. I want to take the time right now to thank my brother Christopher Calle for buying me my first paint brush and for giving me my first air guitar. I've met some amazing people in my life because of this and I wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason and it's all fate. It's just being blessed. We can't predict the time it would take for an object to move between given addresses in a complex environment. It's just serendipity. It's called life. Get used to it. Love you.
PSS. Does anyone want to make a movie about this blog?