Chicago: Ape shittier than ever (i.e. really fucking good)

Inclement weather over Chicago kept Björn Türoque (Dan Crane), our Master of Airemonies, grounded in Los Angeles for our Midwest leg.  So off the crack of the bat our already slim crew of four fat asses was hit by a 25% RIF.  Good news for LeBronean legroom in the nosebleeds of economy class, good news for whoever calls dibs on Björn’s slimfast shakes, but presumably bad news for Chicago.  

With its deep-dish pizza, big juicy buttermilk boobies (yeah, I said it) and the Bulls in the 90s, Chicago knows little of shakes for lunch and sensible dinners, and nothing of second-rate competition.  In summation, for last weekend’s awesome shows the entire Midwest can thank Christ and his mom, Janis, for Hot Lixx Hulahan (Craig Bilmeier).  The Air Guitar World Champion-turned professional judge tossed his gavel and emceed one of the better shows in Chicago’s long history of air guitar.

 

But air guitar is not about its Masters of Airemonies, nor its judges, fans, sponsors, or even space bars.  Sometimes it’s not even about the competitors.  Unquestionably, air guitar, at its very core, is about nothing.

 

Fortunately for fans, judges, space bars, and potential sponsors (mmm, sponsors), Chicago’s competitors delivered inspired performances across the board.  (Excluding [A] BALD E., [B] SHRED BOY R.D. and [C] STRAT-O-SPHERE, all of whom pretty much blew.  Next time, don’t [A] hide behind an eagle mask for your whole performance [B] bring a life size Romney standup to Obamatown or [C] I don’t remember, but according to my spreadsheet she scored really poorly.) Even newcomer WEIRD WALLACE (Thomas Kelly) knocked my rocks off, although the crowd clearly wasn’t that into it (see below).  I’m hard pressed to remember a previous year this replete with talent, both new and veteran.

 

 

Yet I’m not ready to say 2012 has brought the brightest talent in my short career as peanut gallery foreman because there’s still time for a couple dozen industry cocksuckers to fuck things up in LA (Excluding [A] 6SG, [B] SHRED BOY RD and [C] SATAN’S ONLY BASTARD).

 

Chicago’s second rounders included GRIM (Mike Daniels, aka TETRAD), last year’s Kalamazoo champion THUNDERGLAND (Matt Barats), VAN DAMAGE (“VD,” Luke Sevcik), hairmiller AIRLEIGH LEGAL (Leigh Melendez), and newcomer WHITE FLAME.

 

VD’s round one blew away the windy city, and I was surprised that he didn’t enter round two with a commanding lead.  One of the judges dealt him a shitty score, a crime for which Hot Lixx can for once not be blamed.  I repurposed the sound guy’s decibel meter as an unofficial silent 4th judge, and I’m telling you it went ape shit for VD’s Spanish tango licks.

 

But then the volume-oceter nearly shit its own ape when veteran thrasher Airleigh Legal stormed the tender Metro stage.  Her trademark neck-snapping hair-tossing windmills literally elevated her performance.  Literally.

 

The only time the little blinky things went even ape shittier? White Flames’ (Adrianna Lombardo’s) round two.  This rookie-with-nookie performer has apparently been training with none other than ROMEO DANCECHEETAH, 2010’s US Champion.

 

 

Speaking of slim fast and Italians, do you know what skinny guinea didn’t get a fair shake in Chicago? MR. SERIOUS (Lee Barats).  He got fucked over thriceways: first by himself via onstage autoerotic airsphyxiation (amazing, amazing move), next by the judges, and finally by me when I finger-slipped his 5.7 into a 5.6.  Had I not misallied that one-tenth of a point, he would have made it into round two tied for fifth with his brother, THUNDERGLAND (Matt Barats).  But as we all know air guitar scores are like hymens: once you’re fucked . . .

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