Drama Factor for 2015 KC US Air Guitar Qualifier at an All-Time High
This is a guest post from Eric MEAN MELIN, host of the Kansas City US Air Guitar Qualifier, and 2013 Air Guitar World Champion: It wasn't just the Kansas City Royals that made us proud last year.
Frenzy in Kansas City for competitive air guitar was off the Richter scale. Our two-state town hosted the US Air Guitar National Finals for the first time, and four local air guitarists ((THE CORPAIRATION (Brian Reeves), THUNDERBALL (Nielsen Nacis), CINDAIRELLA (Beth Olson), and PETER "STIFF" DICKENS (name witheld))) competed for the title with plenty of vim, vigor, and (I believe) vinegar.
This year, there are several storylines developing that will make the 2015 KC Qualifier -- Saturday May 23 at the recordbar, sponsored by The Pitch, Ocean and Sea, Torn Label Brewing Company, and the Alamo Drafthouse -- go down in history. If I was making a documentary about these incredible athletes, these would be the things I'd focus on. Let's do a quick rundown:
1.The stakes are high. AIR JESUS will be looking for the KC three-peat, which would tie my record for the number of Kansas City US Air Guitar Championships. His divine righteousness has spared him the wrath of the judges the two years previous and his followers have fanned him with palm fronds and flown white doves at his behest. Will he walk on water and tie my record of three wins in Kansas City? God only knows.
2. THE CORPAIRATION says he's in, he's out, he's back in, whatever. One thing is for sure: This corporate douchebag weaseled out of significant jail time after a hostile takeover of this very blog, and emerged with even more money -- and four new edits to choose from! Which one will he choose to perform? Which judge will he buy off? Will he get Focus' "Hocus Pocus" in the bonus round again?
3. This Qualifier is an honest-to-God bachelor/bachelorette party for IRON DRAGON (Justin Fox) and CINDAIRELLA. They met at the 2011 Kansas City US Air Guitar, both as spectators, and have both become first-class competitors. Last year, he was the Des Moines champ and she went to The Big Show by way of Dark Horse. Guess where their honeymoon is. Ding, ding, ding! If you said, Oulu, you're right!
4. Lots of US Air Guitar shows can be sausage fests, and so can the judges table. Not so next Saturday, friends. Beloved morning-show DJ Afentra from 96.5thebuzz, Alicia Solobmbrino from Epitaph Records' Beautiful Bodies, and The Pitch music editor Natalie Gallagher will be our jury! As far as the competitors goes ...
5. Our male/female ratio is just about even. (This is assuming that THUNDERBALL will again insist its nobody's business.) For returning performers, we will witness the long-awaited comeback of RABID DONG (Christy Ubelaker), change-up king DAPPER D (STEVEN FULLER), the holy terror of VELOCIRAPTURE (Cassy Highlander), the air-coke-sniffing SONIC BITCH (Rachelle Landreth) ...
... the one-two sibling rivalry of STACKHAMMER (Mike Stack) and STACK ATTACK (Amy Stack), the girl-next-door charm of GLORY WHOLESOME (Whitney Young), real-life librarian DEWEY DECIBEL (Laura Wilcoxon), and the only competitor scarier than THE FRETOPHILE, BOB (Nathan Victor). That's a freaking bullpen, folks.
5. We also boast at least five first-timers this year, including TINKAIRBELL, DIABETIC DEATH WISH, THE LATTAIR-DAY SAINT, QUEEN MELIN, and THE ANTI-MAY-AIR. I can't wait to see what they have in store for KC.
6. P.S. DICKENS, ESQ. I don't want to know any more about his 2015 routine, but the Andy Kaufman of air guitar is certain to have something up his sleeve. Why else would he legally change his name?
Torn Label beer will on special, Ocean and Sea will have some limited-edition event posters, we'll be giving away Alamo Drafthouse movie tickets, and this is the only place you'll be able to get a Kansas City Air Guitar tee. One night only. To miss it would be inconceivable. And yes, that word that word means what I think it means.