LEGENDS: Björn Türoque finishes second

Author of To Air is Human (wherein he coined the word “dick-do,” an endearing term bestowed upon him by his mother at a disturbingly young age), star of the hit documentary Air Guitar Nation, and 7-time second-placer, it is only fitting that air guitar wunderkind BJÖRN TÜROQUE (Dan Crane) is our second release in the LEGENDS trading card series.  He comes in right after last week’s inaugural launch of C-DIDDY’s card, once again putting Björn in the familiar role of runner-up.

Since officially retiring in 2005, Björn has remained a leader in the field of professional air guitar: in the US he hosts all official competitions as “Master or Airemonies,” a distinction he has also exported to crowds topping 9,000 for four straight years at the Air Guitar World Championships in Finland.  He has been flown around the globe to consult up-and-coming performers.  He has delivered countless lectures, to everyone from stoner audiences on college campuses to NASA’s most elite scientific minds.  Most notably, I once got impregnated by his toilet seat, fully equipped with ass-warmer and washlet.

In his third alter ego (his second being the tranny that judged last year’s dark 

Sweet formatting, web guy.

horse), Björn is known as the GOURMALE — delivering rib-tickling lessons and recipes for some

bomb ass victuals. Anyone who’s had the pleasure of sharing a tour bus with this man is familiar with his culinary prowess even in the sparse working conditions of a 54-foot Van Hool.  Remember, the quickest way to a girl’s heart is through her dick-do.    

Each trading card celebrates like never before the pillars of US Air Guitar – those members of the competitive air guitar community who have lifted the sport out of the bedroom, onto the stage, and now into the basement beside water-damaged sets of Magic the Gathering and d20 dice.

These limited edition jpegs come in two sets: CHAMPIONS (Tuesdays) and LEGENDS (Thursdays), featuring rankings and expert analysis on everything from competitor agility to homoeroticity.


Boundless gratitude to LT. FACEMELTER (Jason Farnan) for the graphical mastery behind each and every card.