Los Angeles: Industry D-bags Need Not Apply

SHRED BOY R.D. (Greg Pittelli) before leaping backwards from Key Club’s VIP section to the stage.

What happened to all those super important knob ends from last year, with their lighting notes printed in triplicate, waivers for us to sign that their “agent said is, like, just a formality, really.” What happened to their backstage demands for “sustainable artisan water”?

No b*llshit, following up a pretty epic stint in the Pacific Northwest, were seventeen sweethearts of epic proportion. Last night at LA’s Key Club was just good clean fun. I mean, when was the last time you saw a Druid spray confetti all over his tits?

Newcomer DR. FEEL MEDIOCRE (Mike Gerdwagen) finished with the other bottom-third of competitors who performed somewhat mediocrely. Also new to the scene: STYLES McFLASH (Michael Ayoob), who impressed me backstage with his extensive knowledge of the sport. “C-Diddy inspired me, so did Hot Lixx in 2008. And Airhab, he makes me laugh. But the French champ doesn’t do it for me.” Of course, as we all know yesterday was Bastille Day so Styles finished about a half point shy of round 2. Just ahead of Styles was veteran KEI TSUTSUMI (real name, pronounced “KAY”), who thrashed his trademark Kung Fu rockabilly and nearly made round two despite pulling a deuce in the performance draw.

I liked skinny man POONIEBOMBER (Michael Arana) and his all green costume that didn’t mean a whole lot. I also appreciated his first round entrance, where the man everyone assumed was the performer dropped off a small suitcase, left the stage, then out popped young Ponnie from the bag like Japanese porn. In between rounds he ate a pork chop, and while staring at his every single rib I could make out the shape of his dinner poking through his stomach. It was the shape of Rhode Island, geographically the smallest state in the union.

SMART OLD BROAD (Maureen O’Neill), the first competitor in my infinite years of professional viewership to pull off Hendrix’s Woodstock National Anthem, shared a very special moment with the crowd last night. She deserved every bit of the 6.0 and 5.8 lavishly showered upon her by cebrity judges JEFF DAVIS (“Whose Line is it Anyway”) and BLAINE CAPATCH (Comedians of Comedy). Afterward, Davis blew some coke off her tits.

Biggest “ouch my balls” of the evening for me was the 5.0 Justice Capatch threw THE CAPLICKSTER (Justin Caplicki). The judge reasoned that Caplickster’s uber Americana would not bode well in Finland. And although he be right, I would argue that Caplickster’s triple-XL US flag waving overhead and stuffed eagle on his arm was a) likely only his American act, and b) fuck it, if you’re not gonna win in Finland you might as well lose fucking BIG.

I agree with last night’s decision to send SHRED BOY R.D. (Greg Pittelli) to Chicago to represent the City of Angels, his home town. His chops were TIGHT, and his trademark death leap, wherein he jumps backward as far as humanly possible, lands hard on his back, then dies until Bjorn comes onstage and revives him, hit the mark. Last night, he death leapt from the VIP area back onto the very high stage. A stellar performance from a generous man who brought Halloween candy for everyone.

We’ll be posting videos as soon as real internet kicks in, in the meantime search YouTube for the1truedan (Dan Adams) — and while you’re at it “check out” how he almost “checked out” right after his performance from last night.