MINNEAPOLIS: Girls Girls Girls BREAK HEARTS, BIRTH AIR

Airisol and Lost Heartbreaker jam out with their glam out.

Friday night’s Minneapolis show was opened by celebrity guest ninja HUGATHUG (Joe Regan) and Master of Airemonies HOT LIXX HULAHAN (Craig Billmeier), performing before a packed crowd filled with screeching girls and scary biker guys from the bar next door.


 Competitor number one, wildcard NIP DIAMOND: THE DIAMOND NIPPLE, established himself as the number one unplanned competitor of the tour the moment he walked out with five inch nipple clamps hanging from his teats.  ND:TDN is the first true wildcard (just some dude we dragged from the audience onto stage).  Mark my words: He has a shot at one day becoming a contender.  And, as evidenced by the following animated gif, even if he doesn’t pursue a future in competitive air guitar USAG can still make a fortune selling his likeness to vaguely gay porn sites.  Se habla Ukrainian.


 Johnny Boom boom, a wildcard entrant who worried backstage about not having a costume, solved the problem by taking off his shirt and tying his belt around his neck.  Most dudes who are into that sort of thing don’t last 60 seconds, as shared by the buttery smooth voice of celebrity judge BRIAN OAKE from CITIES 97 MILF radio DJ.  Next year we’ll stock lemons backstage.

Then two acts later some guy tried to murder Björn for throwing a 4.0 

There was a final round showdown between two ladies and the boy whose heart they broke.  I thought AIREOLA (Meg Linafelter), who came in second, had the strongest first round act.  As is her style, she took her medley (Dragonforce edit?) and transformed it into a three act play with heroes, villains, warm summer breezes, French wines and cheeses.  I thought LOST HEARTBREAKER had the strongest second round act of the lot and the strongest first round moves of his multi-city stint across the midwest.  Generally LHB only shreds Tom Petty tracks, but as he walked into the club I heard him ask Hot Lixx, “Well, sometimes Petty covers other artists.  Do you have Girls! Girls! Girls!?”

However, both AIREOLA and LHB had microscopic flaws in one of their two rounds.  Coming in with the polish of a 3-time regional champion, AIRISOL nailed two pitch perfect acts.  If one were forced to find a flaw, one might say that in order to go the Finland Distance one classically trained gymnast must manage by some alchemy to combine the two and stope referring to herself as “one.”

Hey, maybe ya’ll heard about it but there’s some DC stuff I gotta take care of?

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