Nashville Qualifier: Real Sex, Real Drugs, Fake Rock ‘n Roll
-This is a guest post by Nashville organizer Michael Vucovich.- We’re not called Nashvegas for nothing…Air Guitar gets raw down south! Last year proved to be the most eventful yet, including a fleeing beauty queen, trashy titties, a monsoon, and the closest finish possible in a qualifier. Thing is, there’s a ton of local talent mixing in with the experienced contenders, so things get real--real fast. And mixed in with the debauchery is the true cause to party—supporting the Nashville community by donating all proceeds directly to our non-profit partner Notes for Notes. Check them out at www.notesfornotes.org.
So, about 2013…where to start. At the beginning I guess. The evening started with a BIG ASS MONSOON. We can’t remember the last time it rained so much, but it didn’t prevent the guitarists from performing in front of a great crowd who used the storm as an extra incentive to hit the booze. Then things really got interesting. See, the reigning Miss Tennessee showed up as our scheduled guest MC. A knockout beauty is usually a great way to get the crowd going, but she didn’t even last onstage past the first round. Evidently her pageant training prepared to be calm no matter what comes her way…except the word ‘Fuck’. After Giant Junk dropped about 12 f-bombs during the intro, she informed us that her “handlers” thought we were too intense (I don’t think Doug "The Thunder" Stroock’s crotch thrusting opening performances helped either). So with a final “don’t let the fucking door hit you on the way out”, Giant Junk took the reins. When he wasn’t forgetting which hand his beer was in (turns out, you can’t drink a microphone), he went on to lead Nashville’s craziest qualifier yet.
From our out of towners like Seniora Peggy Hill to local legend Shorty McShred, these competitors wasted no time before kicking ass all over the stage. Cleoplectra dominated…while performing VERY pregnant. Betty Rampage did what she does best—bringing the sexy. And of course there was the debut of Mama Nashtrash. Not only did she show up drinking her own bottle of Jaeger through a straw, but she spent her time between performances creeping up behind audience members and smacking them around with the great naked tits she’d been hiding behind her bathrobe. It was something else. But in the end 2 guitarists stood out from the rest. At crunch time in the finals, it was the legendary Van Dammage dueling against Nashville local and Air Guitar newcomer James Roquemore (pronounced Rockmore). Get this. That’s his real fuckin’ name. And his performance proved him worthy…but after dumping a beer down his pants and nailing a perfect score, Van Dammage took home the crown. By a tenth of a point.
There were other highlights of course. Such as LittleMissIronMiss deadlifting Doug Stroock during the halftime show. Or a surprise visit by Fox 5 news (I guess press releases really do pay off) to interview Giant Junk and show some performances on the evening news. And of course we can’t forget all the awareness and cash the event raised for Notes for Notes. With the contributions of Hot Topic Foundation photographer Ross Tyler and an amazing light show, all our competitors got amazing photos to take with them.
This year we’re expecting an even better turnout, with some our favorite performers returning (Mama Nashtrash—confirmed!). We’ve beefed up our sponsorships as well. So in addition to cash prizes for first and second place, we’ll have kick ass prizes from tattoo parlors ($200 gift certificates to 2 different shops) and gifts from local high-end boutiques The Label and King Baby. So you don’t have to win to take home some kick as shit—you just got to rock! Ross will be back with his camera, Doug “The Thunder” Stroock will be there for halftime shows and lead judging duties, 102.9 the Buzz will handle online promotions, and Giant Junk will once again lead the charge into Air Guitar immortality. So if you think you got what it takes to become a legend, or just want to be part of the insanity (watch out for Mama Nashtrash and her sneaky boobs) head to Downtown Music City on June 27th and prepare for the Air!
Buy your tickets at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/702699