NYC: Airistotelean

Last night’s champ, Airistotle (Matt Burns), all grow’d up. Photo credit Ben Hider.

One day, many years from now, AIRISTOTLE’S children – assuming he lost his virginity last night – will read about their father’s performance in the history books.  Airistotle (Matt Burns), now the official New York Air Guitar champion, was once the youngest performer in US Air Guitar history.  At the ripe age of 17 in early 2008, his mother drove him from their latchkey apartment in New York City down to Philadelphia, because it was the only all ages show on the tour.  Everyone present that night knew they were witnessing the future of competitive air guitar unfold before their eyes.  Barely a flyweight, the kid was so thin and pale he was nearly translucent.  And even at 17 he was already six feet tall, with every inch screaming “nerd.”  Obviously, the kid was a natural.

Quipped Björn Türoque (Dan Crane), who was last night’s New York City Regional “Master of Airemonies” on Airistotles’s Schifferean proportions, “If I had to fuck a man …”

“–Again?” interrupted celebrity judge HOT LIXX HULAHAN (Craig Billmeier, 2008 World Champion), cutting off the MC.  Joining Hot Lixx on the judge’s panel was music industry hot shot LEIGH LUST, and Flight of the Conchords actress/Daily Show correspondent KRISTEN SCHAAL.  Toward the end of the night there were rumors of an Andy Dick spotting in the VIP section, which the dainty Ms. Schaal quickly dismissed.  “You’d know if Andy Dick was here because his finger would be up Hot Lixx’s asshole.”

Celebrity judge Kristen Schaal falls for my old “peeled hot dog sticking out of my zipper” gag.

Airistotle was met by fierce competition at last night’s NYC regional.  WINDHAMMER (Rob Weychert), his nemesis from that first show and the 2008 Philly champion, dueled Airistotle in the second “compulsory” round, where competitors perform a mystery track that US Air Guitar receives nightly from the Air Guitar World Championship headquarters in Oulu, Finland.  Other second rounders included newcomer E-ROCK MONEY (Erik Kath), G. TSO MONEY (Del-Kun Chen), MATH ROMANCER (Paul Martino), and SHREDDY FUCKING MERCURY.

Nary a shirt to be found in round two.  From left to right: E-rock Money, G. Tso Money, Math Romancer, Björn Türoque, Windhammer, Shreddy Mercury, Airistotle.

SHREDDY MERCURY (Seth Leibowitz), as sinewy as last night’s champion but of a more reasonable height an and with adorable Jewishness all his own, drove the crowd wild with his trademark mishegas.  I heard several girls behind me repeat, “he’s so adorable, I want one of my own!” Shreddy finished in second last night, just a half point behind Airistotle.

Shreddy Mercury throws his horns just as Satan drags him downward.

Windhammer shot courtesy of Ben Hider. Many more photos available here at TMZ.

Coming in third was Airistotle’s old nemesis, Windhammer.  Windhammer’s approach is pure unapologetic metal.  Twice I’ve witnessed his first round track selections make audience members cry.  Yet this morning I doubt Mr. Hammer can look in the mirror, as last night he was forced to perform to our compulsory LA glam track “Girls, girls, girls” by Mötley Crüe.  So bubbly, this track’s bread and butter is air guitar, strip clubs, and Bar Mitzvahs.  The fully-bearded, tormentingly scary performer was forced to race around the stage headbanging like Elisabeth Shue in the opening scene of Adventures to Babysitting.

Windhammer stars in the 80s tween hit Adventures in Babysitting.

Fans who missed out last night have one last shot of redemption by way of the Williamsburg Bridge: tonight we play BROOKLYN BOWL, one of the most amusing venues of the US AIr Guitar tour.

As ever, this timely blog pre-dated and brought to you by ATC (West Hays).