Portland Answers the Question: What DOES the Fox Say?

-This is a guest post by Kara Picante, host and organizer of the Portland qualifier, and certified foxy lady-

Nice job, Portland air guitar people. I’m still recovering from the madness that happened at Dante’s two Saturdays ago. Then again I asked for it, and you brought it!

I wish I could have caught San Francisco’s qualifier that also happened that night, but a “Dr. Who” Tardis was not available. Though I don’t know if I could handle having my face melted twice in one night.

Anyway, here’s what our 12 competitors battled for:

$400 for first place, $200 for second place, and a big hug for third place plus the chance to represent Portland alongside the winner and runner-up in the San Francisco Semifinals. We also threw in a mystery gift “Audience Appreciation Award” for whoever earned the most fans, measured by the number of Mardi Grass beads tossed onstage by the crowd during their first-round performance.

So how did we begin? Only five minutes late (a record for us) and... belly dancing, of course.

Yep. At 9:05 Offbeat Belly Dance warmed up the crowd with a badass, mesmerizing set that ended with all four ladies shredding to Goldfinger’s cover of Nena’s “99 Red Balloons.”

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Next – because it ain’t no sausage fest in this house – my backup dancers hussies, Coco Loco and D-Diablo, wearing fox ears, tails and bustiers, joined me onstage to the tune of the Eurythmics’s “Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves” intro music.

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First we took the audience through a pre-show that included Ylvis’s “The Fox (What Does the Fox Say)” and Jimi Hendrix Experience’s “Foxy Lady.” Then debut hussy drummer Kristy Stixxx ran onstage and launched us into the air guitar classic, “Hot for Teacher,” as interpreted by our all-girlair band, Vag Halen. Our other addition, Brenda B. Bad, played the HOT teacher, handing out detention slips and promises of swift and naughty punishments. Once class was dismissed, Portland’s competitors came on and introduced their shredding personalities to the audience.

Now for the judges: 2013 U.S. Air Guitar national champion (ask him to say it with a straight face), Lt. Facemelter; air guitar legend and wigmaster, the Marquis; Internet king and all-around nice guy, Byron Beck; and veteran judge and deejay for “The Brew,” Dan Bozyk.

The competition started with a wild card, 2012 Seattle regional champion, Um, who not only volunteered to go first BUT also somersaulted through an edit that she had never personally heard, of AC/ DC’s “T.N.T.” Tina Turnair returned this year, with a hair-whipping rendition of AC/DC’s “Back In Black”. LC$ (Left-Coast Money) tried to bribe the audience and judges with fortune cookies, a scheme that failed although he did win the Audience Approval Award. Newcomer Royal Fury surprised everyone and advanced to the second round. Jeremy Battlesquirrel ate a honkin’ big burrito onstage (it was cold; I know because I took a bite) while he got his scores. Wild card Victor Freeze – who ran to Dante’s when he saw our poster on a telephone pole – did a back-flip from a chair but missed several notes and failed to impress judges. Arora Nasty wowed us with her versatility but broke our hearts when she announced this was her last year competing... Say it ain’t so, Ms. Nasty. First-time competitor Michael Mannn (yes, three n’s), went onstage as Captain America and made the U.S. proud with solid technique, but didn’t earn high scores.

If I’ve left anyone out it’s because they made it to the second round. You can see it all for yourself in the competitor footage – plus an edited MOVIE that a couple kind souls took it on themselves to make. The movie includes second-round footage as well as the pre-show and halftime.

All competitors

Fan-made movie!

AS for the halftime, it started unbeknownst to the audience with a man unofficially known as Lieutenant Fartmelter, who claimed to be the national champion. Lieutenant Fartmelter was then booted offstage by another impostAIR, Lieutenant Facemolester, who also claimed to be the national champion. Well, as mentioned earlier, the REAL national champion happened to be at the judges’ table and got fed up with watching these cheap impersonators. Check out the video for LIEUTENANT FACEMELTER’S reaction... Wrestlemania-style.