San Diego: Last leg of tour / inner thigh stroked

Six String General (Tim Granlund) takes San Diego’s regional air guitar competition.

Friday night in San Diego wrapped up the 2011 Regional Tour with the perfect bookend to another thrilling season: SIX STRING GENERAL (Tim Granlund), after competing for years from sea to shining sea, earned his stripes at the jam-packed San Diego show and a shot at the US Title.

The huge crowd in San Diego was partly due to the heroics of our old pal Dryw Keltz, who penned this piece in the San Diego Reader.  He writes in his interview with Lt. Facemelter, “Before our discussion began, Facemelter tried several times to order a table keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon from the barista. She informed him that not only were they a coffee shop that didn’t have a liquor license of any sort, but that PBR didn’t even come in the table keg variety. Facemelter was agitated. The time was 8:25 AM.”

Earlier in the week 6SG had little competition lined up at San Diego regional, with only a handful of performers signed up for the show at Casbah.  Ticket sales were fantastic, yet somehow sign-ups were down to Milwaukeean levels.  Experts speculate that much of San Diego’s potential young talent was intimidated by local strongholds such as Lt. Facemelter (Jason Farnan), Six String General, and Shred Boy RD (Gregory Pittelli).  However, all but 6SG had been recently disqualified from competing in Friday’s event because they took titles in neighboring competitions earlier in the season.

As word of this vacuum spread throughout San Diego – mostly by way of Lt. Facemelter himself – new talent emerged from every vast opening of the whale’s vagina.  Newcomers Mr-Fan-Stache-tic, Guitarasaurus Wrecks, Jolly Green Shredding Machine, and Home Rucker (Caitlin Rucker) all advanced to the second round.  Such a strong rookie showing in the compulsory round is completely unheard of in competitive air guitar.

For unlike the Rock-Paper-Scissor Championships, schmucks can’t just walk off the street and win the title.  Our schmucks have to practice in their mom’s basements first, then be humiliated a few times in front of hundred of strangers.

Yet round two was populated almost entirely by first-time competitors, all of whom made the rookie mistake of blowing their loads in round one without leaving anything delicious for us to consume in round two.  And that’s where the trouble started for celebrity judge ATC.

The title of San Diego’s finest professional air guitarist was going to be conferred upon one of two people: Veterans Six String General or Capt. Nowhere (Joseph Demaree).  The two performers are polar opposites: 6SG is polished, handsome, and seems to have his every move mapped out perfectly.  Capt. Nowhere, on the other hand, twitches and tosses around the stage and floor until every single crowd member has his or her personal space invaded twice.

Celebrity douche ATC felt Capt. Nowhere’s second round act blew everything else we saw out of the water.  Yet 6SG’s round one act was by far the best of the bunch.  Co-celebrity judges HOT LIXX HULAHAN and writer Dryw Keltz left the final decision in ATC’s clammy, panicked hands.  ATC, who hides his immense stage fright behind immense dickheadedness (a trick he learned from confirmed blog reader Jason Jones), knew not how to proceed.  So he pleaded with the audience.  For a long time.  A really long time.  And then even longer.  Longer still. And even longer than that.

Until finally it was apparent no one was going to sack up and punch me, which would have provided an excuse not to be the one who decided which totally deserving competitor would take the San Diego title.  So I tossed up a score and let excel work her magic.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: judging is the worst gig on the fucking planet, and I hereby retire as third-string backup judge.  Christ almighty I nearly humped the last leg of the tour! So I want to end on a high note, knowing I sent the best guy to Chicago, so that’s what I’m doing.  Congratulations, Six String General – see you in da Shy.