San Diego Recap: Keeping It Classier Than Ever
The following is a guest post from Lt. Facemelter. A HUGE thanks go out to Nate Briles for many of the pics below, which are stills from his HD Video of the Entire San Diego show! *Pro-tip* - click on the name of each air guitarist listed for video of their routine!
Holy Shit, San Diego. Ron Burgandy has a massive erection right now.
Having competed in San Diego the last 4 years, I can confidently say that this city loves its air guitar. Though despite packing every venue we've rocked our faces into, local competitor signups tend to be on the lower end. That being said, you could say I was pleasantly surprised to see that we had 13 air guitarists on the roster. Or to quote ATC circa 2011, "I'm wet, and not just cuz I'm at LAX and a totally hot 13 year-old with huge fake tits just walked by."
Once rules were explained, numbers were drawn, and drink tickets distributed, the show was underway. Inspired by the clever antics of Doug the Thunderstroock, we kicked off the evening with a "Battle Royale", featuring 4 groups of air guitarists filing in and out of the stage to shred to one minute of recognizable rock n' roll. From then on it was round 1 as usual.
San Diego was treated to the longest minute of the night, right out of the gate with an exhausting performance by Juris Sock Drawer (Kolb Ettenger), immediately followed by a "Why the fuck aren't you in Cabo?" routine by Whammy Hagar (Tim Granlund). It wasn't until Sweetness (Kyle Payton) hit the stage that the show actually started, causing 40% of the crowd to turn away from the exit path and stick around.
Rock solid routines lit up the stage all night, with the Latino hotness of Eduardo Valentine (Seth Wells) and the and the veteran dominance of the only person in the venue who may have actually killed a man, General Hardrock (J.D. Frankland). Speaking of killing people, there was Octane Fretty (Paul Harris), who was referred to as a serial killer by our judge Dallas McLaughlin, though no one was laughing when Fretty lashed out and told the judges panel to "shut their mouths" after receiving an unfavorable score.
There was a lot to be said about the ladies of the evening, specifically when King Slayer (Paige King) turned it up a notch and furiously moved through her routine and ended it by eating and then SHITTING OUT HER AIR GUITAR. Shortly after, Mary Kay Guitarneau (Alex Zaragoza) fired up Hot For Teacher and then promptly kicked and stripped through her entire schoolhouse outfit. As the crowd collectively picked up their jaws, she ended the routine thoughtfully on her knees and shot Elmer's Glue all over her chest. At least I hope it was Elmer's Glue. (She also wrote about her experience for San Diego CityBeat!)
There was Arora Nasty (Cassondra Scott), who styled her hair into a mohawk that would make a Rancid fan rip a boner through his skinny jeans. There was the alt-rock angst of HERvana (Amanda Nachman), a flannel ball of Pikachu energy, who commanded the crowd to love her. And then there was my favorite name of the night, Axl Rose is a Big Fat Asshole (Geoffry Gamble), who not only showed up 45 minutes late to check-in, but also 45 seconds late to his own routine. Call it a brilliant gimmick for the name, or call him a total dickhead for keeping all of us waiting.
The Whale's Vagina fittingly saw 3 vaginas go into round 2, but the real competition came between 3-year veteran, The Jolly Green Shredding Machine (Nate Briles), and the questionably legal Tyranicus, Lord of the End Times (Brandon Baker). Tyranicus appeared on the stage in an epic outfit, one might call "Thor's 8th Grade Formal Wear." Red cape and a mane of pre-pubescent blonde hair, he commanded the crowd with his every move, struck every chord with a hammer of chaos and shook the judges panel for one of the best scores of the night. Even celebrity judge Nice Peter, who had given out not-so-nice scores all evening, emphatically raised his scorebook for a 5.7, his highest of the evening.
Though Jolly Green was not to be shaken. Towering at 6 feet, 8 inches and questioned several times from the judges panel about the size of his penis, he let his massive frame and flawless choreography lead him to the highest round 1 score of the night. Perhaps it was the twinkle in his fingers, or confident sass of a man who's tasted the second round the last two years, but you could tell this was his night to lose.
Moving forward, it was revealed that the first two boner competitors of the night were none other than Tucson phenom, Vlad DM Wailer and the Reigning L.A. champion, the Six String General. I pulled them aside and we haphazardly improvised a halftime show while Dryw Keltz and the judges panel crunched some numbers.
When Round 2 rolled around, each competitor had to face the wrath of the USAG Plinko board to determine their second round song. Disaster struck when one of the pucks fell from the board, but our resident Air Guitar Rescue Lifeguard came in to save the day with a puck of his own, preventing widespread panic at The Casbah. Airness was saved. Faith, restored.
They say the common rookie mistake in air guitar is to "shoot your wad in round 1, leaving us with nothing in round 2." I can tastefully say that every round 2 competitor had reserves and the crowd went home with a rock n' roll facial that would earn 5 stars on PornHub.
Let's do Round 2 in bullet points. Because you know, laziness and shit.
- - Fresh out of dignity, Mary K Guitarneau climbed all over the monitors and shook her God given talent in enough faces to start a motorboat company.
- - King Slayer told the stage to take the round off and instead, climbed onto some dude's face and rocked her crotch into his throat and her head into the ceiling for 60 seconds.
- - HERvana harnessed the pure power of what it means to be a rock star and got the entire crowd of 200 people to clap along to her rendition of Boston's Foreplay/Longtime.
- - Tyranicus, tasked with playing along to a classic video game song he probably never heard before, hair whipped his way around the stage.
- - Jolly Green unleashed his secret weapon - which later became known as the "Spirit Cock" - a light-up codpiece that accentuated his already accentuated nether region.
The scores were tallied. The final beers were pounded and the winners were announced. In an unanimous vote from the judges panel, and a horny curiosity as to how satisfied his wife is, The Jolly Green Shredding Machine took home the title. In second place was the inspired effort of what is sure to become the next generation of air guitar. The man-boy, middle school wonder and eventual leader of our dystopian future, Tyranicus, Lord of The End Times.
San Diego, you guys fucking brought it and made this one of the most memorable shows we've ever seen. Nice Peter was shirtless at the end of the night, for crap's sake. Collectively as both competitors and crowd members, you came, you saw, you drank. You drank a lot, actually.
And for that, I salute you.