Santa Cruz closes out season of US Air Guitar Qualifiers with insults, injury
The following is a guest post written in the third person from Dirty Airy (Aron Carlton), host/promoter of the 2013 Santa Cruz US Air Guitar Qualifier, which took place July 24 at The Blue Lagoon. Pics and video on the way...
When a pelvis and a mouth love each other very much ...
The season finale of regional qualifiers did its job. The world of air guitar spread to yet another corner of the country, and out of the chaos, two representatives were able to strip, strum, and bleed their way to the US Air Guitar Semifinal in San Francisco.
The evening was opened by local host Dirty Airy performing with his panel of judges to get the air moving. It should be noted by all: having the judges perform gives a bit more validity to their scores, and these judges showed their credentials fo-sheezy.
Our panel consisted of White Chocolate, Danny Buzzard, and Balla Fire. Judge Chocolate is a tow truck driver and air guitar enthusiast who has attended all regionals in San Francisco since 2009. He is also one part of Dirty Airy’s personal security detail, and tends bar at one of the most prolific dive bar’s in Santa Cruz proper. Danny Buzzard has been in the music scene for 20+ years, going back to a band he was in with Hot Lixx Hulahan. Miss Balla Fire, well she has the not-often-seen ability to swing ass tassels in opposite directions. These three plus the evening’s host took the stage and properly blended fact and fiction on the maiden voyage of “The Air Witch Project.”
The evening kicked off with the stage being blessed by the Rabid Rabbi of Air. The Rabbi brought 4 of his crew on stage for a serious prayer ceremony, and the Rabbi himself made sure the stage was kosher for the evening. Next up was my personal favorite for the evening Mr. Fister. Fister took his time setting up his gear, and brought enough Poison to make the second round.
Next up was the rookie sensation Pleasure Cruz, who had been sweet-talked into competing by Dirty that very afternoon, and had only listened to his track twice before giving us his mammal-toe and an army crawl solo to boot. Sadly, the judges disagreed with his clap along segment of Bon Jovi and the Cruz was denied a round two berth. In this writer;s opinion, Pleasure was the recipient of the bone that night.
Veteran performer Gobbo came down from S.F. to grace the Santa Cruz audience with a track that had him literally bouncing off the walls. It is always a delight to see Gobbo’s meek persona give way to pure insanity on stage, only to revert back once the music stops. After leaning down and asking in my ear, “That sucked, didn’t it?” Gobbo received the first chant of his name from the crowd that night. How’s that for suck Gobbo? Welcome to the second round.
Following that, the one and only Singar the Goat Demon took the stage. By stage I mean monitor, and by monitor I mean the girl sitting on the monitor. Singar’s reputation of front flips and pheromones remained intact as he headed to round 2.
Runner up for set up of the night came from rookie Jack the Giant Slayer. After being announced, a security guard, and two guitar techs took the stage to set up the Slayer’s equipment. The Giant Slayer (no, he is NOT a Dodger fan) then whipped South of Heaven, and the crowd into a frenzy. Although no Slayer track will ever fall flat on a crowd, technical judge Buzzard deemed Jack’s chops sub-par, and the rookie was denied the second round. Rest assured though, that man is not done with air guitar.
Following Jack, St Germainiac (after having his introduction butchered by Dirty Airy) threw down some Sabbath and missed the second round by a breath, even though judge Chocolate gave a generous score for the, “Matching boa and flaming t-shirt.” St Germainiac was the sleeper contestant you didn’t see coming till it was all over the crowd’s face.
Next up was Thirsty Motion, who was dressed like an extra from Gilligan’s island, and even started his track with some uke. Once the tropical theme shed it’s skin, Thirst spun his way into the most technically sound performance thus far, and his 60 second tour landed on the island of the second round.
The next competitor was Sir Lord Snake Bite, who yelled at the crowd on the side stage to give him his guitar. Then he yelled at his drummer. Then he yelled for the crowd to give him a dollar bill so he could do a line of coke out of his guitar case. Then he put his finger in the air, and lost his mind. While literally wiping blood off of his face, host Dirty spoke words that will echo throughout eternity:
“That guy just got my mouth pregnant.”
Let us begin by explaining how a mouth gets pregnant.
Step 1: A performer mounts the stage monitor and thrusts their baby maker into the face of the humble host sitting stage side.
Step 2: Mouth becomes pregnant.
Snake Bite had brought the strongest performance so far, leaving Sweetness and London James little more than a carcass to pick off of. Sweetness no doubt suffered by having to go after the national geographic special that was Sir Lord Snake Bite, and even though the judges accounted for this, he was not able to make round two. London James had drawn the closing number and brought the first Van Halen track of the night. While giving James his mediocre score, Judge Buzzard told the crowd that they could have seen the real Van Halen play in Petaluma California that night for 50 bucks, to which the host responded, “Hey, you just saw London James play for five bucks!” Touché Dirty, Touché. London has a purity of heart that rivals The Shred, in my humble opinion and although he did not get through to the compulsory, I’m sure we will see him again.
The Sin Sisters Burlesque took the stage for halftime, and they turned the crowd into putty. This was by far the craziest halftime show I have even seen at an air guitar event. Have you ever wanted to see Judy Jetson get naked? Well, if you were there last night, you got to. Those swinging ass-tassels I was telling you about? Yep, that happened too. And let me just say, there really is something about a nun who turns a cross upside down and sucks on it like a Popsicle that makes me want to go to mass. Then when she takes her clothes off and has a pentagram covering her hoo-ha, it makes me want to......hold on, I’ll be right back.
So round two began with Gobbo and ended with Sir Lord Snake Bite, with Mr Fister, Thirsty Motion, and Singar in between. When the crowd finally stopped chanting Snake Bite’s score of 6 6 6, we introduced the endurance round to decide who the second representative from Santa Cruz would be. The host (knowing that the track was a 3:37 edit of Paradise City) stepped outside to get a breath of actual oxygen. After chatting with the venue’s ecstatic owner for about 20 seconds, Dirty excused himself, saying, “there are two guys in there fighting to the death, so I better get back. It’s probably getting weird.”.
Holy Shit. The host returned to the crowd just in time to see Singar (facing off against Thirsty Motion) roll off the stage and kick Sir Lord Snake Bite in the face, causing the now Santa Cruz champion to hit the ground like Anderson Silva; chipping a tooth and possibly breaking his elbow. Ironically, the fake blood used in his round one was now real, and Snake Bite was taken away to receive medical attention. And this people, is why we sign waivers.
The GNR ended, and the crowd was tasked with the decision making. After a few back and forth cheer sessions, Controller of Air Traffic WeeDee G was asked to make the call on who had the higher decibel level, and it was Thirsty Motion who got the second entry by a few screaming lunatics. Freebird hit, and we powered through that bad boy like dolphins in the surf.
Goldi Roxx and CSR were in attendance with fellow competitor, and dare I say adverse-airy Tiger Claw. The Claw is currently mourning the loss of his best friend. Drop him a line. He is after all, the only other winner of USAG’s prestigious “Excellence in the Field of Magnificence” award...besides Dirty Airy of course.
Today, I have whiplash, and a bunch of video to edit. My town rocks. I’ve got proof.
Next year, the standard, “Air guitar? Are you serious?” will not be heard.
Instead, it will be, “Oh Shit! I love air guitar!”
Of course you do.